Oi Vey

Sometimes when you kiss me I have to concentrate on one specific sensation for fear of getting completely lost. Sometimes, or most of the time, I don't even know what to do with you. Sometimes when you ask me what I'm thinking I panic and make up something normal sounding. Sometimes, I worry that you'll come to your senses and realize I'm crazy and only barely clinging to the last vestiges of normality. Sometimes I worry that I overwhelm you. Sometimes I overwhelm myself. Sometimes, when I think about you, randomly at work or running errands I smile for no reason, and most of me is elated, but part of me is a little disgusted that I'm smiling for no reason. Sometimes, when you're talking, I stop listening to the words and just listen to the sound of your voice. Sometimes, you make me feel crazier than I ever did before, but most of the time I'm ok with it.

Eat cereal from a mixing bowl

Life doesn't always take us where we think we should (or want) to go. When you're little it is so easy to think "I'm going to be a (insert awesome career here) when I grow up" but how often do we become exactly what we imagine ourselves as children? As a child life is limitless. What child thinks of all the obstacles and roadblocks involved in becoming a fighter pilot? When you are a child you really can be anything. It isn't until we start growing up that we start placing limitations and restrictions on ourselves. Life happens quickly and one decision can take you from being a fighter pilot to being a history teacher or a marketing executive. As quickly as life moves, and as permanently as it can change, it is vital that we take time to actually live. That maybe for just an hour a week you remove any limitations from your life and do something you never considered doing before, even if it is something as inconsequential as eating your cereal in a mixing bowl with a serving spoon, or wearing red lipstick because you damn well please. And it is so very crucial that we take the time to look at the people in our lives and know what they do for us, whether it's an amazing sister that showers everyone around her with love, or a friend that is always always there to give you a ride or eat doughnuts with you and listen to you gush about a super cute firefighter you met, its just matters that you know them and see them for the role they play in your life. Not only that but that you can see what you are to them. Our connections to people are what make us who we are. Humans have inherent, instinctual behaviors, and we have learned, cultural behaviors. What we do and how we interact with others creates the different societies we live in. Be connected with someone, and live, at least every once in a while, without limitations. You'll feel better for it. We're social animals constantly craving and fearing interaction.

Beauty

The other night at work I came across a book called Wise Women. It was a photographic essay of older women and what made them beautiful, and their life experiences. I was struck by the woman on the cover and how beautiful she was so I flipped through it on my way to put it back in the section. Each picture was accompanied by a quote from a family member or the woman herself about aging and the many life experiences they had. The rest of my shift I kept thinking about this book, about the women in it, and about what beauty means in society today, and has meant in the past. I hate using terms like "nowa days" or "these days" but I'm going to. Now days there is so much pressure on remaining young, on looking 20 when you are really 40, on being a size 4 instead of a 10. On wearing Coach instead of Kohl's. Personally I don't think any of that makes someone beautiful. When I see an older woman who clearly has had a lot of cosmetic work done, whether its botox or face lifts or or breast "augmentation", dressed in a matching Juicy sweatsuit or a Forever21 dress, I can't help feeling sad for her. What's wrong with a few wrinkles? You don't gain laugh lines without laughing, and for every frown that contributed to a wrinkle you still learned something, experienced life. Every cosmetic company in the worl is pushing their own "Age Defying" line of skin care. Why do we have to defy age? Why can't we embrace it? As we age, we live. We meet new people, we learn new things, we laugh, we love, we cry and we struggle. I think the most beautiful women are the ones who embrace their beauty and age gracefully and elegantly.

Everyone has heard the old adage "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder". The reason it is so commonly heard and referred to is because its true. Yes, there are certain things that are generally agreed upon as being beautiful, but every culture has its own ideas of beauty, as does every individual. Skinny or voluptuous, dark or fair, brown eyes or green, a woman is beautiful. The hardest part about it is discovering that for oneself. Especially if you don't fit the cultural standards for beauty. it's not easy being a size 12 when pretty much every other girl you know or see is a size 4 or 6. When you are bombarded from every direction with pictures of tiny women you can't help but wonder why you don't look like that in a bikini, but then I would remember its because I said "yes, I do want some ice cream" and I had a wonderful tiem walking by the river eating ice cream, and because tri tip is delicious and every time I eat it I think of family barbeques in the summer, and because warm chocolate chips always taste amazing, and because sometimes a cheeseburger is exactly what I crave, because food is part of life and if the way I enjoy life makes me a curvy 12 or 14 then I'm ok with never being on the cover of a magazine. That doesn't stop me from sighing with envy when I see a flat stomach and perfectly toned thighs on the cover of a magazine, and it also doesn't stop me from eating ice cream by the river.

My point is that I think the true meaning of beauty is being buried under specific expectations. The definitions I found for beauty say that it is a characteristic in a person or object that creates a feeling of pleasure, satisfaction or deep meaning. Nowhere does it say that beauty is starving your body of nutrients to fit into the "right" size, or that beauty is carving up your face to make it more symmetrical, or chemically burning off a layer or 10 of skin to look a few years younger. Chemically peeling off layers of skin canNOT give you feelings of pleasure and satisfaction. I guess, naively, I just wish that people would find beauty in everything, that they could look at someone and find something beautiful about them, that women wouldn't feel pressure to so drastically alter themselves to please other people, that you could look at someone covered in tattoos and wonder what story they tell and what meaning they hold to that person, that anyone would look at a woman with grey hair and a few wrinkles and think how beautiful she is, and the life she has led and the wonderful stories she must had and how much love she has known and given, that any given woman would know how beautiful she is at any given moment. I know. It's a little far fetched.

Summertime

There is something very sensual about warm weather. The feeling of a cool breeze on a warm day, the feeling of a warm breeze on a cool evening. I wonder if its because we wear less clothing and more of our skin is exposed. I love sitting outside on summer evenings, in a sundress, with my hair down. I love the feeling of a cool breeze on my warm skin after a day in the sun, the way it blows my hair around, lifting it off my shoulders, the way the curls slide across my face and I can smell the freshness of my shampoo. I like watching the skirt of my dress dance around my legs. It's languid and yet animated at the same time. I also love the way fruit smells when its been sitting in the sun, strawberries always smell stronger.

I love looking at the world through dark tinted lenses and tortoise shell frames. I love brightly painted toenails and fun sandals. I love walking through the grass barefoot, the coolness of it against my feet. I love laying in the sun, my whole body warm to the touch, the familiar feel of a book in my hands, the smell of sunscreen and warm grass heavy in the air.